Anger is one click away from regret

Words sent in seconds can haunt you long after the anger is gone

It has never been easier to say something you’ll regret.

Someone annoys you, sends a nasty email or says something online that makes your blood boil. Within seconds, you can tell them exactly what you think.

People have always become angry and frustrated with one another. That’s nothing new. What has changed is how easy it is to act on that anger before we’ve had time to think about what we’re doing.

We are becoming very good at reacting. I’m not sure we’re becoming better at responding.

There is a difference. A reaction is what happens almost automatically. Someone pushes your buttons and you push right back. A response means giving yourself enough time to decide what you’re going to do.

Being kind is easy when other people are kind to us. It’s much harder with the colleague who takes credit for your work, the relative whose political opinions drive you crazy, the rude driver or the stranger online who seems determined to pick a fight.

Kindness doesn’t mean you have to put up with bad behaviour. You can disagree, say no, defend yourself or tell someone they’re wrong. Sometimes you may have to walk away from a person altogether.

Kindness isn’t refusing to fight back. It’s refusing to let someone else’s behaviour decide what yours will be.

Anger isn’t necessarily bad either. Sometimes we have good reason to be angry. Someone has treated us badly, crossed a boundary or done something we believe is wrong.

The problem comes when anger starts making our decisions for us. That’s when we send the email we wish we could get back, say something deliberately hurtful because we’ve been hurt or post the clever insult that doesn’t seem nearly as clever the next morning.

Technology certainly hasn’t helped. There was a time when an angry letter had to be written, put in an envelope, stamped and carried to a mailbox. That gave you plenty of opportunities to reconsider. I suspect a lot of angry letters never made it past the kitchen table.

Today, you can become angry and tell the world about it in less time than it takes to make a cup of coffee. Social media adds an audience, which can make things worse. A disagreement between two people can quickly become a performance, and suddenly winning the argument seems more important than resolving it.

So the next time someone makes your blood boil, try asking yourself one question before you do anything:

What am I trying to accomplish?

Your answer will help you decide what to do next. Sometimes that will mean asking a question. Sometimes it will mean being firm. Sometimes it will mean waiting until tomorrow. And sometimes it will mean saying nothing at all.

If you want to change someone’s mind, embarrassing them in front of other people probably won’t help. If you want to preserve a relationship, don’t turn the disagreement into a public spectacle. Talk privately.

If you need to defend a boundary, be firm. Kindness doesn’t mean saying yes when the answer needs to be no. And if the truthful answer is that you just want to hurt the other person because they hurt you, don’t respond yet.

You don’t have to tell yourself you’re never going to send the angry email. Tell yourself you can send it, just not now. Give it an hour. Go for a walk. Make dinner. Sleep on it if you need to.

Then read it again and ask the same question: What am I trying to accomplish? If the email still says what needs to be said and is likely to accomplish what you want, send it. But you may be surprised by how often you change it or decide it isn’t worth sending at all.

If your goal is to understand someone, be careful about assuming you already know what they mean. A social media post, a text or a sentence from an interview rarely tells us everything. Understanding someone’s argument doesn’t mean agreeing with it. You may still decide they’re completely wrong, but at least you’ll be responding to what they actually believe.

Sometimes the answer will be that there’s nothing to be gained by continuing. Not every rude comment deserves an answer. Not every online argument needs another round. Not every person who wants to provoke you deserves your time.

You may determine how you behave toward me, but you don’t get to determine how I behave toward you.

So the next time you’re angry and ready to fire back, ask yourself one question: What am I trying to accomplish? Then choose your response. That’s the difference between reacting and responding.

Faith Wood is a professional speaker, author, and certified professional behaviour analyst. Before her career in speaking and writing, she served in law enforcement, which gave her a unique perspective on human behaviour and motivations. Faith is also known for her work as a novelist, with a focus on thrillers and suspense. Her background in law enforcement and understanding of human behaviour often play a significant role in her writing.